The Paradoxical Consequences of Interpersonal Goals: Relationships,Distress, and the Self

People often try to manage the impressions others have of them so others will have high regard for them. What are the consequences of chronically having self-image goals in ongoing relationships? A program of research examining the effects of self-image goals and contrasting them with compassionate goals focused on supporting others is described. Results from two longitudinal studies indicated that self-image goals have negative effects on relationships, and paradoxically decrease the regard others have for the self, self-esteem, and mental health. In contrast, compassionate goals focused on promoting the well-being of others have positive effects on relationships, and paradoxically increase others’ regard, self-esteem and mental health. Discussion considers why self-image goals persist if they have clear negative consequences, and why people do not shift to more constructive compassionate goals in light of their benefits.