Abusive families and character formation

Family research studies confirm that abusive parents tend to be undifferentiated partners who compete with each other and with their children for attention and nurturance. More or less healthy parents make demands on children to counteract their own injured narcissism, but they do so largely without devaluation and the sadistic use of projective identification. Under sufficient stress abusive parents attack the child who fails to gratify their needs, thereby giving vent to longstanding frustrations and feelings of being threatened by the child's individuation and competency. The emotional atmosphere in such families facilitates ego deficits like those of the borderline personality as it molds the child's efforts to avoid anxiety. Devaluation, loss, and defenses against mourning partially account for depression and paranoid traits in abused youngsters. Early neglect and abuse exposes them to influential models who act out rage and primitive defenses. Some abused individuals project their rage and later become paranoid or antisocial, whereas others fragment or retain infantile defenses. The destructiveness of severe psychological abuse lies in the constriction of the experiencing self and healthy character development, together with the conditioning to repeat abusive relationships and to avoid intimacy. Achieving individuation under these circumstances entails overcoming the internalized abusive relationships and relinquishing the unconscious wish to be transformed from the abused into the abuser.