Fears of death and fears of dying in the counter-transference

It is commonplace for people to say they are not afraid of death but they are afraid of dying. I discuss unconscious aspects of fears of dying and fears of death which are revealed in counter-transference experiences in therapy with people suffering from terminal illnesses and with older people. Studying the counter-transference shows that fears of dying, which usually refer to lingering and disabling illnesses, unconsciously are linked with fears of dependency and the apprehension that if one becomes dependent then no-one will want to look after you. This apprehension is often a residue of failures in the early dependency relationship which can be re-enacted in adult life through projective identification when therapists and carers may be induced to abandon the caring role. Despite the ubiquitous denial, fears of death surface in the counter-transference, often obliquely but always with a particular terror for the survival of the self. This unconscious terror confirms Freud’s insight about the denial of death that what is unthinkable is the annihilation of the self. I conclude with a discussion about the importance of setting an ending date in therapy with those who are old or terminally ill.