The imperfect attainment of intimacy: a key concept in marital therapy

The intense though transient intimacy of romantic love is contrasted with the more durable and sustained intimacy of conjugal love. The latter, it is argued, requires that the partners have each attained an adequate degree of separateness and at the same time are able to allow themselves to become physically and emotionally close. Relationships which are not intimate are characterized by excessive degrees of dependence, directiveness or detachment. The equilibrium in a non-intimate relationship is maintained by fears in the respective partners about the other becoming too separate, too close, too influential, too assertive, too capable etc. Therapy involves persuading each to try cautiously giving ground in one direction whilst the other is giving ground in a complementary direction. Intimacy will follow if neither is too controlling from above nor too clinging from below and both partners are able to relate on an equal adult to adult basis.