MOURNING THE LOSS BUILDS THE BOND: PRIMAL COMMUNICATION BETWEEN FOSTER,ADOPTIVE, OR STEPMOTHER AND CHILD

In this article, a particular source for the gifts and agonies of non-biological mothering bonds will be examined, namely the losses both mother and child bring to the new bond-building endeavor. As many women choose non-biological parenting because they are unable to have children of their own, the degree to which they grieve their loss is a factor in their capacity to fully attach with foster, step or adoptive children. On the other side of the connection, many agonies that mothers endure result from the use of projective identification by the child to communicate the devastating feelings due to losses experienced prior to engaging with this new caretaker. The child, too, needs to make peace with these losses, to have them acknowledged so that s/he can move on to new developmental pains and gains. On neither side of the interaction can the attachment process be taken for granted: both mother and child have to work at belonging to one another. Often the feelings which permeate the intersubjective space between mother and newly-claimed child seem like insurmountable obstacles because of their unconscious, primitive or preverbal nature.The mother may be called upon to contain and bear witness to the child's profound distress, which can undermine her confidence as a mother. Similarly the child may be subject to the mother's unconscious fantasies about the child she wished she'd had, and experience the futility of living up to such expectations.This piece is an attempt to delineate the pitfalls, due to not-yet-mourned losses, on the way to mutual recognition on the part of mother and child in non-biological bonds.