Self-Defense against Verbal Assault: Shame, Anger, and the Social Bond

With many years of experience and refinement, the arts of self-defense against physical assault are highly developed. Without an effective theory and a useful practice, there is little in the way of self-defense against verbal assault. For THEORY, I draw upon ideas from aikido, family systems theory, and the sociology of emotions. Since unacknowledged shame seems to generate rage and damage social bonds, I emphasize the management of shame, anger, and bonds. To illustrate the meaning of these principles, I offer several episodes as examples, using the METHOD of discourse analysis. I apply this theory and method to the PRACTICE of psychotherapy by describing some rudimentary principles of defense of self against verbal aggression, especially the subtle aggression of innuendo. Psychotherapy is often an arena of verbal aggression by both therapist and client, even though it is usually unintentional and outside of awareness.