When rejection stings: how self-esteem constrains relationship-enhancement processes

Three experiments examined how needs for acceptance might constrain low versus high self-esteem people's capacity to protect their relationships in the face of difficulties. The authors led participants to believe that their partner perceived a problem in their relationship. They then measured perceptions of the partner's acceptance, partner enhancement, and closeness. Low but not high self-esteem participants read too much into problems, seeing them as a sign that their partner's affections and commitment might be waning. They then derogated their partner and reduced closeness. Being less sensitive to rejection, however, high self-esteem participants affirmed their partner in the face of threat. Ironically, chronic needs for acceptance may result in low self-esteem people seeing signs of rejection where none exist, needlessly weakening attachments.     

Once hurt,twice hurtful: how perceived regard regulates daily marital interactions

A daily diary study examined how chronic perceptions of a partner's regard affect how intimates interpret and respond to daily relationship stresses. Spouses each completed a diary for 21 days. Multilevel analyses revealed that people who felt less positively regarded read more into stressful events than did people who felt highly regarded, feeling more hurt on days after acute threats, such as those posed by a moody or ill-behaved partner. Intimates who felt less valued responded to feeling hurt by behaving badly toward their partner on subsequent days. In contrast, intimates who felt more valued responded to feeling hurt by drawing closer to their partner. Ironically, chronically activated needs for belongingness might lead people who are trying to find acceptance to undermine their marriage.     

Calibrating the sociometer: the relational contingencies of self-esteem

A longitudinal daily diary study examined how chronic perceptions of a partner's regard for oneself might affect the day-to-day relational contingencies of self-esteem. Married partners each completed a diary for 21 days, and completed measures of satisfaction twice over the year. Multilevel analyses revealed that people who chronically felt more positively regarded compensated for one day's acute self-doubts by perceiving greater acceptance and love from their partner on subsequent days. In contrast, people who chronically felt less positively regarded by their partner internalized acute experiences of rejection, feeling worse about themselves on days after they feared their partner's disaffection. Over the year, such self-esteem sensitivity to rejection predicted declines in the partner's satisfaction.     

For better or worse? Self-esteem and the contingencies of acceptance in marriage

A longitudinal daily diary study examined the origins and consequences of perceiving a partner's acceptance and love as contingent on professional success. Both members of 154 couples completed a diary for 21 days. Multilevel analyses revealed that low self-esteem men and women felt more accepted and loved by their partner on days when their professional lives were marked by success, and low self-esteem women felt less accepted and loved on days when their professional lives were marked by failure. No such spillover effects between people's professional and relationship lives emerged for people high in chronic selfesteem. A 1-year longitudinal follow-up revealed that people who initially felt less accepted across days reported decreased satisfaction. Men also became especially distressed when their wives felt less accepted initially and (incorrectly) perceived their husbands' regard as contingent.     

Kindred spirits? The benefits of egocentrism in close relationships

The authors argue that people are happiest in their relationships when they believe they have found a kindred spirit, someone who understands them and shares their experiences. As reality may not always be that accommodating, however, intimates may find this sense of confidence by egocentrically assuming that their partners are mirrors of themselves. Both members of dating and married couples completed measures of satisfaction and felt understanding. They also described their own and their partners' traits, values, and day-to-day feelings. The results revealed that people in satisfying and stable relationships assimilated their partners to themselves, perceiving similarities that were not evident in reality. Such egocentrism predicted greater feelings of being understood, and feeling understood mediated the link between egocentrism and satisfaction in marriage.     

The Contingencies of Interpersonal Acceptance: When Romantic Relationships Function as a Self-Affirmational Resource

Existing research suggests that people with high, but not low, self-esteem use their dating partners' love and acceptance as a resource for self-affirmation when faced with personal shortcomings. The present research examines the role that perceived contingencies of acceptance play in mediating these effects. In Experiment 1, we activated either conditional or unconditional working models and then gave experimental participants failure feedback on an intelligence test. In Experiment 2, we activated thoughts of rejection (or control thoughts) and then gave experimental participants feedback suggesting that their romantic partners would discover their secret sides. Experiment 1 revealed that low and high self-esteem women both embellished their partners' love and acceptance to compensate for self-doubt when the unconditional audience was primed. When rejection was primed in Experiment 2, however, high self-esteem men reacted to the self-threat by doubting their partners' love. These findings suggest that people with low self-esteem may not typically use their relationships to self-affirm because contingencies linking failure to rejection and acceptance to success are chronically accessible in their interpersonal schemas.     

Putting the partner within reach: a dyadic perspective on felt security in close relationships

The authors argue that felt insecurity in a partner's positive regard and caring stems from a specifically dyadic perception--the perception that a partner is out of one's league. A cross-sectional sample of dating couples revealed that people with low self-esteem feel inferior to their partner and that such feelings of relative inferiority undermine felt security in the partner's regard. Three experiments examined the consequences of reducing such perceived discrepancies by pointing to either strengths in the self or flaws in the partner. Low, but not high, self-esteem participants reacted to new strengths in the self or faults in the partner by reporting greater felt security in their specific partner's positive regard and commitment and more positive, general feelings about their own interpersonal worth. Thus, putting the partner more within the psychological grasp of low self-esteem people may effectively increase felt security in the partner's regard.     

Did I do that? Self–esteem–related differences in reactions to romantic partners’ moods

This study examined the relation between self–esteem and responses to a romantic partner's moods. College students in dating relationships imagined one scenario in which their romantic partners were in a positive mood and one in which their partners were in a negative mood. A probable source of each mood was suggested to half the participants. Participants reported their cognitive, affective, behavioral, and attributional responses to each scenario. When the partner's mood was negative and ambiguous in cause, participants with low self–esteem felt more responsible for the mood, more rejected, and more hostile than did those with high self–esteem. A mediational analysis suggested a dependency regulation explanation of the results, such that low self–esteem people perceived self–directed negativity in their partners’ bad moods and in turn responded with more negativity toward their partners.